I’m happy that we have managed to keep in contact this way – that letters are the new way. I feel like I have so much to tell you but I don’t quite know how to put it into words – you know that feeling…
Well, if I write it all in one letter then you can’t get any more post, and we all know that would suck; so I will keep it simple and short so you don’t need to make a second cup of tea.
I’m confused, I’m a bit dumbfounded, and I’m a bit vulnerable.
Sometimes I feel that when I write when I’m feeling vulnerable and a bit raw, it can come out as being negative – that is not the intention. I just feel like I enjoy looking and thinking about things when I’m raw – it is all at the fore front of my mind – that is what I am trying to say I guess.
I have a massive fear of failure – the type that we all know – and luckily for me… I have physical side effects too… I blush. The type of blushing when you fancy someone and you wanna be ‘pretty enough’ or the type of blushing when you try and debate a point and then you realise that the other person’s point is as good as yours or you can see it from both sides. But you can’t quite face backing down…
To the point: I failed another British Horse Society Stage 3 module – luckily the same one as last time, as you bank them once you passed them – but I have still failed. I have failed to be good enough, failed to tick the box.
Confusingly enough, I cannot, for the life of me, even remember the exam yesterday – to the extent that I cannot remember if I wore my Schoffel when I actually was riding or not.
I just don’t know what happened, I was tense – I know that. But I always am in exams, for that reason – because I don’t like failing. I can take failing but I don’t like it.
I want to relive the day, I want to go at it again, and I want the examiner to say ‘don’t worry, try again and we will have another go’. I want to think that they only failed me because they had passed everyone else so someone had to fail otherwise it wouldn’t look like a correct exam statistic.
But I also don’t. I am pleased that he failed me, I am pleased that he could differentiate what was needed and what could happen – what he could see there and then rather than the potential.
Because it makes you try harder, it makes you annoyed at yourself, and in my case, more determined to do it better. It is why the exams are world renown, they are not ‘this girl could get to the standard on a good, relaxed day, with the right horse’; they are ‘this girl is the standard, regardless of the horse and the day’. And that is what I want. I want to be good enough.
The exams are changing in July 2017 and they are becoming more accessible. But do we want that? Do we want it to be easier to get these exams? To be easier to be at the standard? What will the standard be?