I’m raw, I’m a little pained, but most of all, I’m a strong mixture of being scared and excited.
One of my favourite things to do, is to plan, to plan my life within the hour – but yet to the outside world, I like to seem all ‘free spirited’ and ‘chilled’. I can just about take anything in my stride – butyou should hear what goes on in my head when I have to adapt to someone else’s plan!
My coping mechanism is to have an end goal – an end product of my efforts. The bigger picture.
I like to have at least 3 months planned in advance, excluding summer holidays, they can do what they like; and normally take care of themselves. I love you Summer Holidays.
Recently, my plan was shaken up somewhat, from both a misunderstanding and a lapse of concentration – on my part.
Life suddenly has become a lot hard, and more complicated, or maybe the better interpretation is that, I have realised that I need to concentrate more to get where I want to get to. But then there are parts to the plan that are out of my control, and therefore a bit of misunderstanding and some that are just a lapse of concentration. Ah, get to the point, kid.
The past few months have not been quite what I expected, in some ways they have been miles better than I expected and in other ways – they’re nothing like expected, in fact worse. That isn’t a bad thing – I fathom a lot of high expectations in my life most of the time. I expect the best, from myself included and if I get distracted – which is a lot more frequent than one would expect – the obvious happens.
I have to make a new plan, the one I’ve been working on and aiming to complete by the end of 2016, is on hold. Just till some unforeseen circumstances sort themselves out.
I feel cowardly saying it, stating it, but I am a little terrified. I like pressure, I like to be put under strain and have a lot going on. I LOVE being busy – they say if you want something done, give it to a busy person – and I think I strive under that scenario.
But now I have about 6 months, starting in August, where I am going to waste my time, I am going to over think things, and I am going to start freaking out. As opposed to doing what I should be doing, which is studying for the next hurdle. Because, I can see that I have all the time in the world.
Time for me, although great, and can produce some amazing results – is a negative thing on my mind. My imagination runs riot and I struggle to sit down.
My mother always says ‘you’ve got ants in your pants’; I just cannot sit down, without dreaming up the next big adventure, or party, or life changing decision or really – quite honestly, anything to entertain me.
TV does work though – please, someone, tell me another good TV show to get into, to give myself some procrastination. But, there are problems to that too, don’t get me started on the internet in North Yorkshire. #letsgetsuperbroadbandtoeveryonebutnorthyorkshire
I think that when a spanner s thrown into the mix, or life changes for a moment, it is for a reason – not something suspicious or however – but actually that God has planned it that way.
My favourite verse in the Bible – of the whole mightly huge thing is ‘I can do all things through Him who gives me strength’ Philippians 4.13.
Quite honestly, and with adrenaline running around my body, I am whole heartedly putting my trust in the big Dieu (French for God) – that he knows what is going on, and that he is in control. Please give me the strength I need.
I look forward to updating you, on the restarting of the big plan! Thanks for being faithful!
Emotion is becoming a regular theme on this blog – just proving I’m not a superhuman (I know you were all believing it until now!)